I’ve been diving deep into some coaching and personal work lately, which is exactly what I know is needed to evolve and grow into the next version of me. But sometimes, I don’t wanna. It feels hard, I feel raw and exposed, and I just want someone to give me all the answers, but I’m doing it anyway.
I’m sure you can relate to this wherever you are on your journey. You don’t want to plan, you don’t want to feel your emotions, you don’t want to take responsibility, or practice new skills. But at the same time, you don’t want to stay stuck and keep doing things the old way. You don’t wanna, but you do it anyway.
Join me on the podcast this week as I guide you through following your heart and doing what matters to you, even when you don’t want to. This is a skill I’ve been building myself, and I’m sharing what will make it simple for you to do it anyway when the inevitable I-don’t-wannas show up.
This is Weight Loss Success with Natalie Brown, episode 85.
Welcome to Weight Loss Success with Natalie Brown. If you’re a successful woman who is ready to stop struggling with your weight, you’re in the right place. You’ll learn everything you need to know to lose weight for the last time in bitesize pieces. Here’s your host, Master Certified coach, Natalie Brown.
Listen people, I don’t want to be recording this podcast right now. I just finished writing and creating it. Here’s how that went.
I don’t want to write this. I don’t want to spend the next couple of hours thinking about what I want to share and how to express it. I don’t want to be wise or thoughtful or helpful. I don’t want to look at why I don’t want to. I’m tired of thinking today, I’m tired of my brain today and all of its thoughts, and I don’t want to listen to it anymore.
I don’t want to do any more thinking about my thinking. I do want to go to sleep. I want to run away from how I feel. I don’t want to feel it, I don’t want to take responsibility for it. I don’t want to allow the discomfort. I want to yell about it. I don’t want a hug. I just want to be mad and grumpy and done.
Today feels so hard. This feels so hard. I just want easy. I don’t want to find it inside of me, I don’t want to have to create it, I just want it to happen. I want to hide and pretend I’m not a grownup who’s responsible for how I think and feel. I don’t want to.
I’m in the middle of something, a transition of sorts, a waking up to some things I have been wanting to stay asleep to instead. I open myself up to the process of building a deeper connection to myself and to my intuition, in a course with some really amazing special women.
And I also at the same time decided to dive into some coaching about my relationship to money. Both really called to me, seemed like personal work that would be very valuable. And it sounded like exactly what I needed to take on to evolve and grow into the next version of me.
But the idea of doing this work and the act of actually doing this work are two very different things. Both the group and the coaching program I’m working through are pointing me in the direction of the past in a lot of ways. And the foundation I’ve kind of built myself on. The ideas and identity that I’ve embodied and believed just to be true and have been operating from in so many areas of my life.
Remember when Shrek said ogres are like onions? Yeah, pretty much feeling like that is 100% true. I feel more like a grumpy green ogre than ever right now, always with more layers, new layers. I don’t want to peel back any more layers. I want to put some back on.
My tender exposed new layers feel so raw. And the message I keep getting over and over and over as I go through this process of uncovering is that no one can do it but me. And it is exactly what needs to be done. That it is time to pause and reflect and rest, that the only way through is surrender.
And that I need to step back and rescue myself. But I don’t want to. I want to be rescued. I want someone else to tell me the answer. I want something outside of me to fix this, to soothe it, to solve it, to make it better, to take it away. I don’t want to.
I’ve never relied on just me to know the answer. I’ve always relied on finding the right answer. It feels really scary and hard to let that go. To learn another way of doing things, to turn away from what I’ve always done and how I’ve always done it and do things differently. I don’t want to.
But I want you to notice I’m doing it anyway. I don’t want to and I am doing it anyway. Because not wanting to, for the reasons I’ve stated above, is true on the surface, but not in my heart.
I don’t want to because it feels hard right now. I don’t want to because it’s new and it’s kind of scary. I do want to because it matters to me. I do want to because growth and change and learning are some of my most important values.
This podcast, the work I’m doing in these programs, I don’t do it because it’s always fun. Fun is not one of my guiding principles. It’s not all my life is about. Neither is easy.
There are much easier things than creating a weekly podcast and putting everything out there for the world to consume and judge. There are much easier and fun things than looking at the past and my identity and revisiting and re-evaluating it.
But what’s most important to me, deep down inside, is exploring my capability. Learning more about me and the world around me, synthesizing information and making sense of it and sharing it with others.
Sometimes I don’t want to and I do it anyway. I’m sure you can relate to this on your journey, wherever you are. You don’t want to plan, you don’t want to feel instead of eat, you don’t want to try new things. You don’t want to build new habits, you don’t want to practice new skills, you don’t want to take responsibility, but you also don’t want to keep doing things the old way.
You don’t want to and you do it anyway. One of the skills I’m building is tuning into my inner knowing, my intuition, what I want, what aligns with me, rather than relying on outside answers and constructs.
I guess I should say more fully, more often. It isn’t that I never listen or am completely and totally disconnected. I would just say that my default is to second-guess or ignore it or try to somehow confirm it with proof from someone else in the world who knows the right answer.
If you are lost and you have no idea what I mean by intuition or inner knowing or what aligns, I love Glennon Doyle’s experience that she shared in Untamed. It started with a very personal question that required a very personal answer that she found herself typing into her Google search window, rather than looking within herself to find.
It really stopped her in her tracks and she asked herself, “Why do I trust everyone else on Earth more than I trust myself?” Can you relate? Well, after getting a million different answers under the sun from the internet, all contradicting each other, she had this epiphany.
“It must be that should and shouldn’t, right and wrong, good and bad, they’re not wild. They’re not real. They’re just culturally constructed artificial ever-changing bars that keep us caged.” And then this brilliance she also shared. “I decided that if I kept doing the right thing, I would spend my life following someone else’s directions instead of my own. I didn’t want to live my life without living my life.”
Now, I am all about learning from experts and consulting wise humans and listening to people with different experiences and perspectives than mine. But not unfiltered. That’s where I think intuition, inner knowing, whatever you want to call it, comes in.
It is the filter we can use to find what aligns, what matters, what we want our life to be about. It takes some recognition, some paying attention to, to start to tune in. Still fairly new for me, and I’m not sure that I could tell you what precisely it feels like or looks like in every situation. Stay tuned as I hone my skills. There will be much more to come, much more sharing in this arena.
But here’s some more from Glennon about the experience for her. “When I pose a question about my life, in words or abstract images, I sense a nudge. The nudge guides me toward the next precise thing, and then when I silently acknowledge the nudge, it fills me. The knowing feels like warm liquid gold filling my veins and solidifying just enough to make me feel steady, certain. This is the most revolutionary thing a woman can do,” she says.
“The next precise thing, one thing at a time, without asking permission or offering explanation. This way of life is thrilling.” She continues, “I understand now that no one else in the world knows what I should do. The experts don’t know, the ministers, the therapists, the magazines, the authors, my parents, my friends, they don’t know. Not even the folks who love me most, because no one has ever lived or will ever live this life I am attempting to live, with my gifts and challenges and past and people. Every life is an unprecedented experiment. This life is mine alone.”
There is some magic in leaning into this knowing, this intuition, guidance from within, following your heart. I see it happening in my life. This episode, it’s a result of it. I didn’t want to, I had something else planned, and sometimes I feel like this, I don’t want to, the day feels hard, and I am able to ride the wave, push it aside a little bit, and make a decision from a different place, create the podcast from maybe a lighter, happier, less I-don’t-want-to place.
But today, I didn’t do that. And this is what was born instead. And I know it’s for one of you. It’s for maybe many one of you’s. You needed this message. That sometimes you don’t want to and you do it anyway. That my brain is human, just like yours. That feeling green and grumpy and bad, that is a way that it all feels to us sometimes.
Even when we’re doing our best to do our best, raw and exposed is a place we will visit. But not where we will necessarily stay forever, because raw and exposed becomes conditioned and healed eventually.
If you’re wondering how to follow your heart or how to know when, even though you don’t want to, you should do it anyway, here’s some questions for you to ask yourself. Deep down inside, what’s important to you? What do you want your life to be about?
What sort of person do you want to be? What sort of relationships do you want to build? And not just with other humans, but with other things, like food, time, money, yourself. If you weren’t struggling with your feelings or avoiding your fears, what would you channel your time and energy into doing?
Answering these questions for you will help you start to create a clearer picture of what matters and why, of your values. When what you really want, what you value most, what lights you up inside is your guide, it makes it very simple to do it anyway, even when you don’t want to.
I’ll leave you with one last favorite concept and image from Untamed. “The most effective strategy that a lost person can use to increase her likelihood of getting found and thriving is this; she must find herself a touch tree. A touch tree is a recognizable strong, large tree that becomes the lost one’s home base. She can adventure out into the woods as long as she returns to her touch tree again and again. This perpetual returning will keep her from getting too far gone.
I’ve spent much of my life lost in the woods of pain, relationships, religion, career, service, success, and failure. Looking back on those times, I can trace my lostness to a decision to make something outside of myself my touch tree.”
“Now,” she says, “when I feel lost, I remember that I am not the woods. I am my own tree. So I return to myself and I rein habit myself. I reach deeply into the rich soil beneath me made up of every girl and woman I’ve ever been, ever face I’ve loved, every love I’ve lost, every place I’ve ever been, every conversation I’ve had, every book I’ve read, every song I’ve sung, everything. Everything crumbling and mixing and decomposing underneath. Nothing wasted. My entire past there holding me up and feeding me now. All of this too low for anyone else to see. Just there for me to draw from. I have everything I need beneath me, above me, inside me.”
You are your own touch tree, beautiful friends. It’s time to open your heart and start to know that. Well, well, well, look what was born of not wanting to. Little bit of thoughtfulness and wisdom after all.
Just a fun side note to close this out, I typically listen to some classical or other instrumental music playlist on my noise-cancelling AirPods as I write and create each episode. Just kind of acts as white noise that then allows me to focus on my thoughts and what I want to share, and not my dogs wrestling and my children arguing, or whatever else is happening outside me.
The soundtrack to this podcast being born was my favorite piano playlist. And in one of the beautiful bits of magic that I notice come from listening to and honoring my little inner nudges, in the midst of writing this, I started to notice the music, which rarely happens because white noise, remember?
The music in that moment just was perfectly reflecting what I was feeling and writing at the time. And I looked down to see the name of that song, and no joke, it is entitled TREE. You just can’t make this stuff up. I’ll see you soon.
Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Weight Loss Success with Natalie Brown. If you want to learn more about how to lose weight for the last time, come on over to itbeginswithathought.com. We’ll see you here next week.